I read this little blurb from C.S. Lewis's book A Grief Observed and it really struck me.

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there is no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.’

I feel like this has been my struggle with God for the past 2 years or so. I am hard pressed to believe that I would ever get to a point where I could not believe in God, but in many ways, I do feel a bit disillusioned. Especially after this past year. I do find myself saying - I know you're there, but this is what you really allow? This is the way the world is allowed to go on? I have really been seeking what I feel is God to me - the God I know that wants to know me - not the one that was taught to me - but the living and breathing one that influences and affects my life and gives me purpose on this earth. I also feel myself shrinking back at times and with certain experiences and wondering if this is what the real God is really like. Is this the God that I've sought for so earnestly?

I have no answers. I come with many questions. The search continues. I had just not had my thoughts expressed so clearly until I read Lewis's paragraph.


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